Disaster Relief Preparedness Is Key

Do you have that one item in the freezer that seems to have been there forever?  That last Eggo waffle, a lonely beef and bean burrito, a bag of stew veggies, or unidentified freezer-burnt meat in a Ziploc bag?

Mine is this Swanson turkey pot pie.  It’s probably been in there for going on 11 months now.  I don’t know why I don’t just throw it away.  Well actually, that’s not entirely true.  I guess you could call it my food item equivalent of disaster relief.  And by disaster, I mean my child is hungry and I pretty much don’t feel like cooking a REAL meal.
I don’t have this same problem with canned or boxed food products because there is always some sort of canned food drive or Food Bank collection drive going on which gives me an opportunity to clean out the cabinets AND give to people hungry enough to be willing to eat a six month old can of early peas and the Ramen soup flavor my son didn’t like.  And THAT’s how you multi-task charity work and cabinet organization people.  You’re welcome.

Honesty is the Best Policy, but Isanity is a Better Defense ~Mark Twain

So what happens when you unintentionally use both at the same time?  So I was driving a three hour trip from New Orleans to Alexandria one evening around 11pm to avoid having to make the drive early in the morning and face traffic.  It had been a long work week and I needed a pick-me-up to stay awake and keep focused on my driving.
I hit the scan button on my radio and quickly found an upbeat tune to rock out to alone in my car.  Oh yeah baby…it was Kid Rock’s “Cowboy”.  So I’m cruising along, singing at the top of my lungs when I suddenly get the urge to REALLY jam…you know, get the blood flowing to my sleepy brain.  Here I am cruising at 65 miles per hour on a poorly lit, back country highway doing some sort of hybrid car dance which I can only describe as head-banger hip-hop fusion perforated by intermittent finger pointing and fist pumping.  I OWNED that song ya’ll.
“And I’m headin’ out west sucka…because I wanna be a Coowboy baby!  With the top let back and the sunshine shining!  Coowboy baby…”

Barney Fife was about to drag me along on his power trip.

Unfortunately I was RUDLEY interrupted by the red and blue flashing lights in my rearview mirror.  So I pull over and the officer approaches my window and shines his flashlight right in my face.  You could imagine my thoughts as the following conversation ensued:
Fife: Ma’am, are you okay?  Do you need medical assistance?
Me: Wha?  Officer I wasn’t speeding and I didn’t hit anything.  May I ask why you pulled me over??
Fife: Do you need medical assistance?
Me: No, for what?
Fife: Well ma’am I just pulled you over to check on you.  When I pulled up behind your car, you were moving around in your vehicle suspiciously and I decided it would be better to be safe than sorry.
Me: You mean my dancing?
Fife: Well, from the rear view with my headlights shining on ya, it didn’t appear to be dancing.  Actually, only a couple of weeks ago I had to pull over a swerving car that had a driver moving around a lot, and I discovered that she was having some sort of seizure.  I just wanted to make sure this was not a similar situation.
Me: Well, am I supposed to thank you?  Cuz I’m pretty sure you not only just interrupted my jam, but now you are insulting my dancing, too.  I wasn’t swerving by the way.
Fife: No ma’am, you weren’t, but you were moving around violently and I thought I should check things out.
Me: I was jamming out to Kid Rock officer, not having a seizure thankyouverymuch.

Oh-My-Word!  He must not know how to car dance AT ALL!  I mean, the NERVE of that guy!  So he gave me a look that pretty much said, “Have a good night looney tunes!” And he sent me on my way.
He probably just made up that story to cover the fact that he wanted to meet the person who had such smooth moves.  Jealousy is an ugly thing officer…ugly.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

I was Googling yesterday evening in my attempt to find a vintage summer dress for an upcoming party, and I stumbled upon some links related to Audrey Hepburn. So of course, being as focused as I was at the time, I ran off on a tangent to explore these links and learned of a poem by Sam Levenson which was Hepburn’s favorite and which she quoted often. I was so moved, I had to share. Why hadn’t I read this sooner?

Time Tested Beauty Tips
For attractive lips, Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, Walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.  The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years-only grows!
~Sam Levenson

Doomsday Dumplings Anyone?

With all the news lately being centered around tsunamis, tornadoes, flooding devastation, economic collapse, sasquatch sightings and the world ending a few weeks ago, I thought I may entertain this idea by examining just how prepared my household would be for such an event. Don’t get me wrong…I actually don’t believe I need to prepare anything other than my soul for when my Savior comes, but for the fun of it…let’s explore this question carefully…Is my pantry prepared for an apocalypse, world-wide catastrophe, or alien invasion? What does one store to sustain themselves and their family for the years following an “earth-shattering” event?

I began with a brief inventory of my pantry. For those of you who know me well…I pretty much am a minimalist in the grocery department, and am therefore doubtful that our survival would be guaranteed with the supply I currently maintain: ½ jar of peanut butter, one unpopped bag of Orville Redenbacher’s kettle corn, ½ box of stale Honey Bunches of Oats cereal , 2 slices of wheat bread (the heels…we don’t like them so we just let them rot before throwing them out) and a sweet potato with roots growing in 4 different directions. My first thought…”I wonder if it’s too late to start a sweet potato garden with that thing.” My second thought…”Who am I kidding, I’ve managed to kill every plant I’ve ever cared for, including a cactus. It would be best to let the potato die an honorable death in the pantry.” Needless to say, I was lacking proper supply, and so I began a list of things I would probably want to have in case of emergency: (In case you haven’t noticed from reading my blog…I L-O-V-E lists!)

1. Peanut butter – it’s protein, it’s sweet, and you can spread it on anything!
2. Bisquick – umm HELLOOO!! You can make all KINDS of things from Bisquick like biscuits, dumplings, and PANCAKES!!! (Hopefully the disaster will have destroyed all of the weevils so they do not invade my Bisquick supply)
3. Vienna Sausage – this will be my treat for Brandon…he LOVES those things and I won’t buy them because of how bad they are for you. But in this case, I’ve decided to make an exception. I could potentially use them to bribe him into building on additions to our shelter or growing me a post-apocalyptic sweet potato garden.
4. Tony Cachere’s creole seasoning- it makes everything taste a little better. Besides, just because we are in survival mode does not mean we cannot enjoy a meal every now and then right?

I think that’s it. Don’t judge! I know it’s not much, but I think my bartering skills will get me pretty far. Think about it. If it were the rapture, I would be gone to take my place in heaven, having left a nice little supply for those suffering the end of days. If I’m attacked by aliens or angry terrorists, I could slow their attack by throwing Tony’s in their eyes. In the case of economic collapse, I could develop some form of Vienna sausage currency with which to buy other items. Fresh pancakes every morning would help me maintain my current figure, not to mention the fact that they would adequately appease the sasquatch appetite and keep him from trying to eat me. We could come up with games to play on my elliptical machine (because let’s face it, I couldn’t be so lucky as to have workout equipment destroyed in the end). And surely peanut butter could protect my skin from exposure to radiation!

Feeling good now! My plan is in place! Anybody up for some Doomsday Dumplings?